Love and marriage are supposed to go together like a horse and carriage. But what happens when one (or both) partner’s debts make tying the knot feel like entering debtors prison? In an era when most Americans will live with a romantic partner in the course of their adult lives, debt can both facilitate transitions into cohabitation and deter entry into marriage. That is because today’s singles increasingly view paying off their debts as an important precursor to marriage. The findings of a recently published paper shows that debt has become a barrier to marriage, especially among millennials with student loan debt.
Take Ray and Julie, a couple interviewed for our recent book, Cohabitation Nation. Both in their 30s, they had been living together for seven years at the time of their interview, engaged for five of them. But while they fully intended to marry – eventually – they had not yet accumulated the resources to do so. Asked to explain, Julie declared, “We save, and then we have car problems; then we save, and somebody is on their deathbed in Wisconsin, you know? So nothing [saved] that ever is anything. Usually it’s used up one way or another.”
Whereas an earlier generation often married despite having some debt, millennials have far more debt than previous cohorts. Credit cards have become easier to obtain, and college loan debt has risen dramatically, as more colleges shifted to loans over grants as they encouraged young people to pursue that diploma and states slashed funding for higher education. As of 2018, student debt had risen to a whopping 1.5 trillion U.S. dollars, according to Forbes magazine. The current generation of young adults are grappling with record levels of student debt, which has replaced home mortgages as the primary form of wealth-building debt. But while that college degree suggests one should be more marriageable, the student debt crisis is making attaining the American dream – marriage, starting a family, buying a home – out of reach for many.
In fact, numerous prerequisites for marriage have changed. Among those coming of age in the 1980s and earlier, marriage marked the beginning of a young couple’s life together, a sign that they intended to scrimp and save as a team. Today, marriage is more often a capstone of success, deferred until one or both partners have already “made it.” Education debt, however, is a deterrent to marriage. Paying down debt, however, is a long-term prospect. One partner’s debt can make embarking on other stages of adulthood – such as buying a home or having a child – that much more difficult. School loan payments must be made even if work hours are cut back or after childbirth, when women may not be working (and earning, given our country’s lack of paid family leave).
Planning for marriage is also an increasingly expensive endeavor. In a strange twist of fate, a shiny engagement ring can further add to a young couple’s financial woes. The average ring today, for example, costs $6,350 – several months of earnings for all but the most well-paid man (and proposing with a ring remains a largely masculine and highly gendered activity). Martin, a text-book editor we interviewed, was in his early 30s and had over $30,000 in loans from his bachelors and master’s degree. He and Jessica were talking about getting engaged, but Martin’s financial situation was hindering their taking that step. Describing the challenges, he said, “For my own pride, I’m not going to buy a $10,000 ring, but I want to spend like between $1,000 and $2,000. So it was almost like she would bring it up, like ‘Are we still thinking about this?’ and the whole time I was thinking about it, but I couldn’t get any of the official trappings of it going until I had some kind of financial thing, you know what I mean? As soon as I got my job I figured out how to start paying off all my credit cards and my school loans. I saved my $50 a month, and I got a second job. I was still working at the pizza place, like one night a week, and I kept saving that. And so I finally built up half of a ring, that down payment. And as soon as I had that I went out and bought the ring and we got engaged.” For Martin, the process of purchasing an engagement ring was a major source of stress. “I was worried to buy her a ring,” he explained, “because I was worried about her friends judging, like, ‘Oh, you saved for a year and that’s all you could get?’ So there’s a lot of that guilt there.” Worries about unrealistic expectations for fancy bling can hinder partners from popping the question.
Expectations for weddings have increased significantly as well. When Miller’s parents married in the early 1970s, their wedding reception was held in the basement of the church and the happy couple offered guests cake, punch, and Jordan almonds. They honeymooned in a local state park. Today, wedding sites tout that the average wedding costs over over $33,000; elaborate wedding magazines and reality television shows have raised the bar on expectations. Taken together, increasing shares of debt combined with expectations for a grand event may result in marriages receding ever further in the distance for all but the most financially successful.
We suggest that couples who are committed to each other should have a discussion about their debts as well as finances. Such conversations should definitely happen for those thinking of getting engaged. No partner wants the unpleasant shock of learning that their spouse-to-be owes more than what a high-end car costs after they agree to wed. Knowing how much debt individuals have accrued, as well as how partners address paying down their debt, can also provide important information on how your spouse-to-be handles financial issues. Such knowledge can arm couples as they work through one of the many challenges married couples face together – money issues – before tying the knot. On a more macro scale, young people also need to push the debt problem onto the public agenda, through political engagement and participation, as well as vocalizing the needs to address their issues.
Marriage is not for everyone (and definitely does not, in our opinion, need to be). But what might one do if debt is getting in the way of marital goals? Among the couples we interviewed who were engaged, few were intending the elaborate weddings featured in magazine spreads, nor did most purchase extravagant rings that required three months of savings (or more). They discussed their strategies to cut down costs and save up enough to take that next step, a few of which we detail here.
One strategy that quite a few of our college educated engaged couples employed was to take on second jobs, specifically to help pay for their weddings and honeymoons. Like Martin, mentioned above, Nathan and Andrea were working on building a nest egg. “I’m just going to take on a serving or bartending job, actually, to make just some cash money that we can put away and save up for a down payment on a house and save up for wedding expenses,” Nathan explained.
Quite a few of our couples mentioned how family members were covering some of the costs of their wedding, such as flowers, the cake, or even the wedding dress, as their gift. Asked how they were paying for wedding costs, Kevin said, “So, I mean it was just people volunteering to pay for stuff. I’m like, ‘OK!’ His fiancé, Amy, concurred, “So a lot of people are doing things like that for their gift for the wedding, which has helped out a lot.” Others opted for a simple ceremony with just a few family members and friends. Janelle described how she wanted her wedding to be low kid, or in her words, “just a little party. I mean, I’m borrowing my wedding dress. It’s so easy.”
Such choices are never easy, especially in a culture which promotes“matrimania” or rising expectations for overly-hyped wedding theatrics. But in an era where wages remain flat for all but those at the very highest end of the income spectrum, going into hock to pay for a wedding is ill advised. At the end of the day, a couple who spends $40 on their wedding is no less married (and may even have a more successful union) as one who spends $40,000. As for the debt issue, rather than blaming individuals for pursuing higher education, we advocate for a more macro approach to the problem, and suggest that politicians who tout the importance of family values must address the debt crisis facing today’s young people if they want marriage to remain the bedrock of our society. Otherwise, we may see ever fewer individuals stating in front of friends and family their willingness to take someone to be their lawfully wedded spouse “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer.”
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